Zachary Zane is a sex and relationship columnist who recently authored Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto.
Threesomes are one of the most common sexual fantasies, but they’re also the most likely to go wrong in practice. Each guy has different expectations for how he thinks the threesome will manifest, and when reality doesn’t match expectations, guys often feel rejected, jealous, angry, or upset. The key to a successful threesome is, as you may suspect, communication. Nothing should come as a surprise during a threesome. Everything should have been talked about and negotiated prior.
Still, even then, unexpected feelings arise. (You may think you know how you will feel when you see the love of your life take another man’s cock, but upon seeing him get dicked-down you feel very differently.) Luckily below, we provide ten tips for your first threesome and share what to say if, in the moment, you decide you’re really not feeling it.
Tip 1: Make sure your partner actually wants to have a threesome.
All too often, one partner feels pressured into having a threesome. He feels like a “prude” for not wanting one, especially if you both live in a large, gay-friendly metropolitan where it feels like every gay couple is in an open relationship. But no one should ever feel guilted into having a threesome. If your boyfriend doesn’t want to—well then, you’re not having a threesome with your boyfriend. Period!
Tip 2: Address your partner’s concerns if he’s on the fence.
If your partner is on the fence about having a threesome, ask him about his reservations. Validate his concerns and then problem-solve. If he’s worried that you’ll get all the attention—make it clear that you will be sure to include him. If he’s worried that you’ll fall for another guy, ask him what he needs to feel loved and supported—and so on. I’d also clarify that he (and you) can stop the threesome at any time if either of you isn’t feeling it.
Tip 3: Set ground rules.
Would you prefer the third to be a stranger or a close friend? If you're looking for a stranger, you can find people on Archer who are open to couples by checking their "Open to" profile details. You can also put in your "Open to" field whether you're looking for singles or couples, or open to both. Are you allowed to have penetrative sex with the third, or, for your first time, would you feel more comfortable just doing hand and mouth stuff? Are you using condoms? Are you allowed to kiss the third? Can he sleep over after? Who’s going to be the bottom?
If you think you’re going to get railed by the third and your boyfriend gets the third’s dick the entire night, you’re not going to be thrilled! So, discuss these things prior.
Tip 4: Let the third know your ground rules.
Often, the couple forgets that the third person is actually, well, a person. You want him to have a comfortable and pleasurable time, too. He’s not just a prop for you to have your way with. So you need to communicate your boundaries to him and see if he has any boundaries. Also, ask if he has any sexual desires that you two can fulfill. (Maybe he wants to get DP-ed? From personal experience, I can say it’s pretty incredible DP-ing a bottom with your boyfriend.)
Tip 5: Inform the third that it’s your first threesome as a couple.
Don’t try to pretend you’re more experienced than you are. It’s beneficial to let the third know that this is your first time sleeping with someone else as a unit. As someone who loves being the third, I will change my behavior depending on if this is the couple’s first threesome or their hundredth. If they have experience, I won’t worry about checking in nearly as much. I’m just going to do my thing, get my holes filled, bust a nut. But if it’s the couple’s first time, I will check in more to see how everyone feels. I’m also going to make sure I give each partner equal attention (which is something I’m less concerned about when sleeping with threesome veterans).
Tip 6: Don’t forget your partner during the threesome.
When you’ve been having sex with the same man for months (or years), you can get very excited when a sexy hunk finds his way into your bedroom. But don’t forget to include your partner. Otherwise, he will have a terrible time and never want to have a threesome again. (Remember, if this goes well, you will likely have many more threesomes in your future—so play the long game!)
Tip 7: Sometimes, you’re not as sexually involved (and that’s okay)!
Your boyfriend may be bottoming for the third—really just taking it. (Good for him!) Don’t immediately try to insert yourself (no pun intended). Let them have their moment and embrace your voyeuristic side. It’s live porn right in front of your eyes featuring your boyfriend. Then, once some time has passed, you can jump back in.
Tip 8: It’s not just about penetration.
You can still be involved in the scene even when you’re not topping or bottoming. You can kiss, stroke, or suck. You can also play with your partner’s nipples or hook your fingers in his mouth while he's getting plowed. You can smack a butt or two. The options are endless! Just remember the golden rule of communication and consent, and make sure everyone involved is comfortable—which brings us to the next tip.
Tip 9: Remember, you can stop at any point.
As I mentioned in the introduction, unexpected feelings may arise. You may have been super gung-ho about the experience beforehand, but when play actually goes down, you realize you don’t like it one bit. That’s fine!
First, I would encourage you to take a deep breath. If negative feelings arise because you’re feeling rejected, try to include yourself more in the scene. But if that doesn’t work, or you’re feeling overwhelmed, say, “Hey guys, I’m sorry, but I’m not feeling this, so we’re going to have to stop.”
Will it be slightly awkward? Maybe. But you did communicate to the third that this was your first threesome, so it won’t come as a huge shocker to him. You also told your partner prior that either of you could stop the threesome at any time for any reason, so again, it’s not a surprise.
Also, your partner can stop at any point—and the same with your third. Make sure that everyone is continuing to check in, and if anyone wants to stop, the threesome is over. Most important is that everyone involved actually wants to be involved and is enjoying themselves.
Tip 10: Check in with your partner afterward.
When the scene is done, and you’ve all had your fun, make sure you check in with your partner. How are they feeling? Is there anything they need? Then, not immediately after, but at some point soon after, you can ask about their experience. What did they like? What didn’t they like? Could you do anything to make them have a more pleasurable experience next time? Does he even want to do this again? And make sure to ask yourself the same questions and share the answers with your partner.